TR H-72S 
G33"b'^ 



THE 



^tHtb of %ift in Hontion ; 



TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. 

AX EMTIRELT 

"Ncto Satirical, IBurlcsqut, ®ptratit ^aroUg, 

IN ONE ACT, 

JVot taken from any tldng, but taking off many things, full 

of Wit, pregnant with Sensibility^ abounding m Effects, 

Pathetic, Jiloraf, Instructive, atid Delightful, being the 

* last that ever ivill be Jieard of those Txvo Popular Ueroet. 

PERFORMED, FOR THE FIRST TIME, 

^t tifte MoiJal OPotiutg Wt^tsiXxt, 

ON MONDAY, JUNE 2, 1823. 



WRITTEJSr Br T. GRKE.XFFOODy ESq, 



And if Critics will pardon the pun, 
Their FUNERAL will make, if you transpose tlie Word, 
What is needed, when cheerless — REAL FUN. 



BALTIMORE: 

Printeil and Published by J. Robinson, 

Circulating Xibraro anti Bramatic lUpositorp. 

94, Market-street. 
1823. 



DRAMATIS PERSOJVJE, 



SURVIVING HEROES AND HEROINES. 



f Executor to Corinthian^ 

I Tom, deceased.— Conso 

|er to Corinthian Kate,- 



n^ L.,ic, £,,. ^ ^^^^pSISt"" S^;S h ^^. ^0^- 



oti his last L< gs, and be- 

1 ginning to think of his | 

Llatter end, J 



Old Hawthorn^ 



f Jerry *s disconsolate Papa,') 
J preparing for Dfath in j „ . ^,..,,_, 
^. ihe Couiitrij, whilst curs- >■ ^'^' -Lctef/Vny. 

Ling L//i: in London, J 



fate Valet to Tom, who-j 
having inadf pretty pick- j 
1 iiiRS in his M ister's Life- j 
J lime, most decorously ' ,, „.,. 
j mourns for his ])i-«th, f ^^^* "'*'' 

ni(h humhfe hopes of los- J, 
1 ing nothing hy the iJar- | 
Lgai", J 



Dusfy Boh, 
Billy IVaferSf 
African Salt, 
Little Jermny, 



plot Jielatienjbot parlicii-'^ 
I lnr Friends of the deceas- 1 
I ed Gentlemen, wiio.on the | 
I receijjt of the mournful I 
I InU'lligence, resolve to I 
} wet tht- otiier Eye. and { 
J avail themselves of such ! Mr. George, 
1 consolation as the Bnrk ; 



Mr. IhwcU. 
Mr. Harxcootl. 



Slums afl'ord to Covies in Mr. Htimmerstoru 



distr 



ess, vi-/,. Flashes of\ 



Scragg, the Stacker, | Liglitning, Sxvigs oJ'Jfcu- j Mr. Jones. 
I vy, Hemiy Stwvrs, Drojis | 
I of Doffy,'and Friar''s Bal j 
{.sam, J 



fKnights of the Katfle,-^ 
Constable of the Night, \ who receive the In'elli- 1 Mr. Gale. 
English Charley, j gi-nce with most unseemly | Mr. Aslrury, 

Irish Charley, \ Demonstrations of horrid j Mr. Maxrvell, 

And Cftarlcy's of et'^ Satisfaction, ajnicipating ^ 
ry Country and no | a con>for(able Snooze in I 
Cotmtry. I their. Private Boxes, un- 1 

I disturbed by Corinthian \ 
LFreaks, J 



DRAMATIS PERSONiE, 



Corinthian Kate^ 



fn;» equivocal sort of Wio 

I (low, who cHii't help laugh- 

I inp with one Ey*", whilst 

cries with the other, 
her Dear Tom has 

her all he had to leave, 
considering all she 
i squeezed out of him 
I .whilst alive, die has no 
I reason to believe a great 
Ueai, 



I inp wit 
I she crit 
J se- ing \ 
1 left her 
j which, I 



Mt&. Bradley. 



Sue, 



f with no more Mourning") 
^ for Jerry, than he has >■ Mr&. Tcmnt, 
Ueft her in his Will, J 



tann'j, 



f Servant to Kate, but more~j 
intent on serviv^ her orvn I 
turn than lier Mistresses, I 



and resolving to stick to L 
the living Valft, out of f 



MU3 PfirroA. 



living 

respect to his dmd Mas- j 
ter, with some hopes of a i 
small Legacy, 



Mary Rosebud^ 



rMad, Miserable, and INIis-' 
j chievous, something like 
I Ophelia, but vet very, 
J mourniiig, not for Ham- 
J let. but her Jerry, with a 
j lurking intention of re- 
I venging her loss upon the 
KJ\\'"\^ of her Papa, 



Mrs. Ttrting, 



Various other Cadgers, Costermongeijs, Charleys, respectable BCqQflio& 
ances of the defunct heroes. ^ 

SHADES OF DEPARTED HEROES. 



fijEWsf 



pDot much the \?or8e for^ 

• his Journey to the other j 

of Corinthian] World, and suspected of'. 

Tom, "^ an inclination to resiune j 

I his Larks and Sprees in ' 



Mr. EKrbftJtavi. 



fmora like a Bodij than a~j 

I Spirit, but not at all a i 
Grave Subject, as much j 
{ Up as Down, but not ve- 1 
Gh<i.^t of Jerry, -^ ry likely tfl Flij, who hav- >■ Mr. Sfsmnn. 

I ing been to the other I 
Cuiinti J/, is wide awake [ 
1 to the consequences of} 
IlIFE l^ LONDON. J 



ORDER OF THE PROCESSION, 

PRETIOUS TO LAST SCENE. 



FOUR Sweepers clearing the way. 

Two Boys bearing torches, alias links. 

Two Mutes with stases, surmounted with the Lilly Shallows of the 

departed Heroes. 
Two Jockeys. 

Four Flower and Match Girls. 
Logic, with his umbrella or spread, up and broken. 
Kote and Sue. 
Servants. 

Banners with cards painted,and inscription * Two Trumps Lost.' 
Board, with ' Rouge ei Noir lost upon Black,' written on it. 
A Man with a clock, ' Time's up.' 
Four Pugilisu properly dressed for sparring, and with crape tied round 

their arms. 
A man bearing the ropis, P. C. 
Billy fVatcrs, his fiddle in mourning. 
Dii^y Bob, bis bell muffled. 
Sw beside him drinking to drown sorrow. 
Little Jemmy in his sledge. 
The Charlies biuig up the rear. 



In the Course of the Piece will be introduced, 

A DEVILISH (not awkward) DANCE OF CHARLIES. 

On hearing of Tom and Jerry's death, with dismal Yells of 
Demoniac Joy in a dreadful Parody on 'the celebrated Witches' Chorus 
in Macbeth, composed by Locke. "Most Musical, most Melancholy," 
with a horrible Accompaniament of Rattles and Staves (Not on 
Heads).- 

Preparing to commit TOM and JERRY to their Mot/tcr Earth, 
they turn out further off" than rvas effected— a Hop, Step, and a Jump 
from Tears to Smiles.— Finale,— And Musical Epilogue by all the Cha 



MUSIC BY T. HUGHES. 



\ 



THE 

DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON 

OR, 

TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. 



SCENE l.~The Chojlnff Crib. 
* Enter Jamks and Fawnt. 

James. So now the debt is paid— lie's g-one poor man ! 

A debt we all must pay ; come cheer up Fan ! 
Fan. I thoiig-ht last night of ho/>e, there seem*d no sign. 
James. What did they call it Fan ? 
Fan. A deep decline. 

James. Oh no such tiling', that Squeezefee had no 
g'umtion, 

Decline indeed ! say galloping consumption ! 
Fan. ' Tis a good job for poor Miss Kate, 'tis clear. 

He's left her all his property I liear. 
James. But his estate was somewhat worse for wear, 

And like his habits, not in good repair. 
Fan. Yes, he was never niggard of his purse. 
James. As to th' estate, they'll put it out to nurse : 

This. Life in London is the verv devil ! 

And those who follow it soon finj^ tlie level. 

1 said 'twould be so, their career's soon run. 

But as to mourning — 
Fan. I'm sure, James, I have nonor 

James. Oh he has left us that. Fan, never doubt. 
Fan. For places too we now must look about, 

I'll live with single men, no more that's fiat, 
1* 



5 THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON; OR, 

James. But 'bout a character ? 

Fa7i. Miss Kate will give me that. 

James. Our characters, dear Fan, are lost I doubt ; 

If so, for new ones we must look about. 
Fan. This gloomy scene will give us both the vapours, 
James. Well ! I must go and put it in the papers ,- 
Mr. Bob Logic wrote the paragraph ; 
And bid me take it to the Teleifraph. 
Fan. But James, how silly 'tis of that Miss Kate, 

She wishes him they say to lay in state. 
James. What nonsense Fanny — state, I cant help 
laughing, 
Our poor dear Master, would have call'd that 

chaffing. 
But come, I am ordered to the finish Maker. 
Fan. The finish who ? 

James. My dear the undertaker. 

And by the bye, it will be quite as well 
To tell old Pickaxe — 
Fan. What ? 

James, To toll the bell. 

fExeunt. 



SCENE M.—A Chamber. The Window closed. 

Kate and Sue discovered in Mourning, xveeping bitterly ^ 
A black seal on the Letter in Kate's hand. 

A few bars of slow music. 

" My Lodging is on the Cold Ground.'-* 

Kate rises and speaks. 

Kate. Hung be the heavens with black, henceforth be 
seen 
Yon azure fir.ntiament in bombazeen ; 
Ye summer tflouds assume a graver sljape. 
And let your edges all be trimm'd with crape : 
Gone to that bourne from wnence no soul returns, 
To cheer the hapless, weeping o'er their urns. 
Thou migh'st as yet — the reckning Death have 

scor d 
And not the best- of Toms — untimely floor* d. 



TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. 

How coulds't thou ruthless tyrant cause such woe, 
'Ere pass'd our honey moon ? Oh — oh — oh — oh ! • 

Sue rises and speaks. 

Sue. Stars hide your heads, and shew no lust'rous spark 
And change the milky way — from light to dark ; 
Ye planets mourn — be full eclipsed the moon. 
And be each morning changed to afternoon. 
Be metamorphos'd the celestial globe. 
And let all nature wear grief's sable robe, — 
Let all be dark, as ripe Murella Cherries, 
For death has robb'd us of the best of Jerrys, 
Let all be chang'd, from Indus to the Po, 
And like my heart, a blank — oh I — oh — oh — oh ! ! 

DUET. 

- AiK. *' Then fare-well my trim-built -wherry." 

Kate, Then farewell, dear Tom and Jerry, 
Lilly ShalloTvs now farewell ; 
Never more at Almack^s merry, 
Shall our heroes take a spell. 

Sue. Then farewell to gig and laughing. 
Fetes and festivals, farewell, 
Death has silenc d all their chaffing.- 
Hark ! I hear — Saint Dunstan's b^-ll ! 

fa loud knock. 

Kate. f starting J Ah ! what was that ? 

Sue. Onl> the butcher, or perhaps the baker. 

Ktkte. Ah, me ! I fear d it was the undertaker / 

Enter Servant in black — gives Sub a Card. 

Sue. Oh, 'tis Bob Logic — shall we see him Kate ? 

Or shall he bid him in the parlour wait ? 
Kate. Ah Sue, 'twas he fii-st tempted Totn to sin, 

But I forgive him. — William, shew him in. 

CExit Servant. 



8 THE DEATH OF LIFE IK LONt^ON ; OB, 

Enter Loeic in blacky his umbrella covered -with Crape. 

Logic. '* What still in tears," as Randolph iis'd'to say, 
Alas ! we're here to-morrow g'one to day ; 
But tears avail not — useless is that sig-h, 
Fretting- avaunt ! for sorrow's all my eye ! 
Look cheerful, damsels, and shake oil' these dumps, 
Kate. Ah where again shall we find two such trumps ? 
Logic. Both out and outers^ and a bang" up pair, 
Nothing" but good ones can their loss repair. 
*Tis a fat g'rief tho', Kate, — for let me add — 
Tom made a -ivill and left i/oii all he had. 
Jiate. Ah ! g-en'rous soul, he was too good by half, 

Too good to live dear man ! 
Logic, f aside J Hem ! that's all chajf ! 

r Takes oxit the -will. J 
See, here it is ! 
Kate. My beating heart lie still ! 

Logic. Come dry your peepers while I chaunt the 
■will. 

CnKVNT.— Logic. 

I will and bequeath to the girl I adore, 

My estate in tlie country of Ballynapore. 

I give to Boh Logic when I'm in the dust. 

My new Lilly Topper, and best upper crust. 

My courage 1 leave to the lads of the ring, 

And my mufflers, three pair, to J^''eate,Bandall und Spring. 

Item, I bequeath, as 'twill be a dry job, 

A bottle of Daffy to young Dusty Bob. 

To the Charleys^ new words — to the ancient Te Deum ; 
My Sketches by Cruikshanks to th* British Museum, 
1 leave poor .Tohn Bull, who talent espouses, 
Some blunt to improve JMlnor Managers' Houses. 
I leave to Pierce Egan, lest his muse should be undone, 
An unfinished sketch, for a new '* Life in London." 
My Tattler 1 will to my laundress, sweet Nancy, 
And my coinage of words, in a lump, to the fancy. 

Logic. And so dear Kate, you now muBt cease to 
grieve. v 



lOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. 9 

Since Tom has left you all he had to leave ; 
I must away— (dry, dry these tears of sorrow) 
To make ai-rangements for my friends to-morrow. 

SONG Logic. 
Am. " With a pipe in one ha?id." 
With a spree on one side and a ro-ai on the other. 

In the cause of a true and tried friend ; 
With a foil in one hand and a muffler on t'other, 

Tom and Jerry both met their sad end. 
No more sliall they ramble^ nor kick up a dust. 

Death has closed both the valves of their bellows ; 
In a coffin of lead, each now lays down his head, 
And their friends mourn two hearty goodfellows.— 
Kate. What two hearty — 
S^ie. What two hearty — 

.911. And their friends mourn two hearty good fellows ! 

f Exeunt. 



SCENE lll.^Interior of Harvthorn Hall. 

Old HAWTHonif, m mournings discovered -writing and 
directing a letter. 

Old H. " To Peter Pickaxe, tomb and stone adorner, 
"No. 13, Grave Alley, Amen Corner." 
There, my poor boy, though sadly hard thy doom, 
I've given instructions for a handsome tomb ; 
In Hawthorn Church it shall adorn the wall. 
And teach the village to lament thy fall , 
Ah, .lerry, Jerry, what a Job you've made on't, 
Your London Youths soon make a pretty trade on't ; 
Curse " Lift in London" heartily say 1 — 
Tliis comes of making my poor Jerry "/^ / /" 

Enter Servant in monrning. 
fServ. Lord, Sir, here's Mary Rosebud at the gate. 

In such a wild and strange distracted state ; 

She calls young master her sweet mountain daisy j. 

I verily believe the poor girl's crazy. 
Old JL I shouldn't wonder — for she loved the lad, 

And disappointment drives the sex all mad. 



10 THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON; OR, 

Mart Rosebud sings -within. 

A voiith did woo a damsel fair. 

And love it was that brou^-ht him there : 
Said he, my dear, I'm come to wed. 
If you'll be to the altar led. 

Heigho ! 
Old H. Poor girl, she's lo»t ! abandoned to despair, 
Pale as her smicket, mad as a March hare ! 

I^xtur Mart Rosebud, mad^ and dressed fantaaticully f 
a basket in her hand — sinews — 

ril dig his grave. Til weave his shroud, 

I'll seal his lips with kisses ; 
A pattern be for all the proud 

And taudry London misses. 

I must to bed softly, though I cannot sleep, 
For sucii a Jerry who could cease to weep; 
He kiss'd me once, and oh, it was as sweet 
As Yorkshire pudding baked beneath the meat. 

("Sees Hawthorn. J 
Good day, old gentleman. 

Old. If. She knows me not. 

tMary. Hast any wigs to sell ? I'll buy the lot. — 
I always tliought that Tom a shocking rake — 
They ve kill'd poor Jerry keepiitg \\\m aivake. 
No more my dearest shall obtain renown, 
By milling glaze, and knocking Charlies down. 
He lost his ticker first, and then his life ; 
And I, heiffhoy shall never be a wife ! 

Singe. 
Should you some coast be laid on. 

Where gold and diamonds grow. 
You'll find a richer maiden. 

But none that loves you so. 

Speaks. 
Here's crocuses for vou, and h>ps and hawsy 
1 11 pluck some rosebuds when the weather thaws 
There's leeks for broth — I have no London pride, 
For all that wither'd when poor Jerry died. 



TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. II 

Oid H. Mad as the devil quite a wither'd tree- 
Poor thing her senses are quite lost ! 
Jktart/. Ah me ! ah me ! 

Oh ! there he is — look, look at yonder cloud ! 

Dancing" a waltz with Tommy in his shroud. 

He's there / he's here ! racks, torments, and despair! 

He's gone ! he comes ! he's here — 
Old H. Where ? \ dont see him — shew me where. 
Mary. Art fond of mushroons } I will bring- a few ; 

We've often walk'd together when they gi-ew ; 

Ah, dearest Jerry, where's our promis'd bliss ? 

Dids't 'scape the tread mill to arrive at this ? 

Sure he won't perish in the pelting storm — 

I'll knit some nightcaps, they will keep hiin warm ! 

I'll do't, I'll do't ! 
Old //. I wish poor soul, she'd go ! 

Mary. I'll take the stage to Paternoster Row. 

They'll tell us all about it won't they dad? 
Old H» C aside J If you would go, I'm sure I should be 
glad. 

I'm quite alarm'd, and dread her very looks ! 
Mary. Good bye, I'm only going to the pastry-cook's. 
f Seizes him by the throat. J 

Villain ! Jew monster ! give me back my Jerry, 

Or in your heart this bodkin I will bwry ! 
Old 11. Oh lord \ oh lord ! . 
Mary. Fye, fye, old man, fye fye 1 

I dare not stay, you've such a roguish eye ! 

Sings. 
Five bunches a penny primrose% 
Five bunches a penny ! 

Speaks. 
I'll teach his name to our old Sexton's patTot ; 
Good day, old gentleman — here^ tlierey my chariot f 

fExit. 
Old n. Follow her, booby, for in this madness fond. 
Perhaps she'll take a cooler in my pond ; 

fExit Servant. 
Poor thing ! poor thing ! I wish now I had stopp'd 

her! 
She loved my boy, and henceforth I'll adopt her! 



1^ THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON ; OR, 

But I must g-o and see the last of Jerry, 
Before my boy they so untimely bury — 
Order my chaise, leave nothing- needful undone, 
Oh wretched parent ! — Damn this Life in London 

CExit. 



SCENE IV.— Toyn's Chafing CHb. 

Enter Fannt a^irf James in mojcrning. 

Fan. Oh James, don't leave me, I'm in such a fright 
I had such horrifying- dreams last nig-ht. 
And at my bed's foot, holding by the post, 
As sure as eg-g-s are eggs, 1 saw his g'host. 
James. Pooh, pooh, you silly girl ; don't talk such 
Bluff! 
As master used to say, you're quite a muff! 
His ghost indeed ! no, no, he's had his batch; 
He'll rise no more, to come to this world's scratch. 
But hark ye, Fanny, what d'ye think I hear 
They say he's left me twenty pounds a year. 
He knew my worth I managed all his pelf. 
Let no one rob him Fanny, but — myself. 
In se: vice Fanny, we too long have tarried. 
So when the fun'ral's done we'll both be married. 
Take a snug inn, as you have often said. 
And call it, Fanny, The Corinthian's Head. <• 
What say you eh ? 
Fan. Aye, James, with all my heart : 

From this dull scene I'd willingly depart ; — 
And quit this London, this sad scene of sorrow ; 
So, if you Uke, James, let it be to-morrow. 
James. Agreed, but bustle. Fan, leave sad reflections, 
While I to Logic go for full directions. 

f Exeunt severally. 



TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL 13 

SCENE Y.^The Cadgers at a Benefit Club Supper. 

Little Jemmy in the Chair. Dusty Bob, Black Sall, 
Billy Waters, Sweeping Jemmy, 
English Sailor, Scrag the Butcher^ 
Cado-ers Costermongers, &c. &c. 

fA general laugh. 

All. A veiy good song and very well sung. 

Jolly companions every one ! 
Chcdr. Ha I ha ! what shall we say, Jem, after that 

'ere chaunt ? 
Jem. " Success to Cadgers, may they never want !'* 
Chair. 1 prize that sentiment, 'tis quite to my own 
thinking, 

An excellent excuse beside for drinking ; 
Dusty. I say, my rum one ! what ye arter. Jack ? 

Give us the heavy, let me ha' my vhack. 

Come, Sarah, bite — 'tis your drink now my chuck ; 

There wet your whistle. 
Sail. Tanky Bob, here's luck ! 

Scragg. I rise, Mister Chairman, a health to propose. 

Which no Gemman here can in justice oppose. 

Upstanding, unkiver'd, I hope it will be. 

Here's my friend, Busty Bob, with a fire of three ! 

fThey drink. 
OmJies. Huzza ! huzza ! huzza ! 
Dusty. Ladies and gemmen, coveys and the rest, 

I rise to thank you, and I'll do my best ; 

Don't put me out, now, there's Fan Giggle laughing, 

I'm but a dummy, you all know at chaffing ; 

Although on pewter never turn my back, 

Vy lord, you know 1 love to ha' my vack : 

Stay, I've forgot. Id something else to say. 

But that 'ere heavy's took my speech away ; 

For this here honor, and that there support, 

I humbly thanks you. 
Scrag. Oh, Bob, cut it short. 
Bob. So, in return, don't put me out I say, , 
I'lltake fornothing, all your dust away. 
Billy Bravo ! Massa Bob, veil speakee and pat. 

Bob not such a fool as he looks for all -^'^ 



i4 THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON; OR, 

Jem. A songf, a song-, and here — refill the cruet. 
Scr ff. No, no, let's have from Sail and Bill a duet. 
Billy. Wid all my heart — de duet, of all tings. 

Like any teakettle poor Billy sings. 
Bob. And as to Sarah, I don't tell a story. 

She's fit to sir.g at any rorytonj. 
Scrag. From east to west, from north to south, 

Come lug it out, and Sarah, give it mouth ! 
Sail. No, Massa Bob, me got bad cold, me hoarse. 
Chair. Oh then we must excuse her. 
Ml Oh, of course ! of course ! 

Chair. Come Teddy Scrag, you're at all in the ring! 
Scrag. Upon my lionour. Mister Chairman, I can't sing. 
Jemmy. Oh, that's a good one! now 1 can't help 

laughirg. 
Billy. Dat what my friend, dere Bob call chaffing. 

Come tv(nv it ofi', me come into de middle, 

And while you tinging Billy playde fiddle. 
Bob. Lay hold here Billy, this will *</7tee7;wcA} our thirst, 

A drap of fullers earth to rosin first. 

SONG.— *S'crfl^. 

Am. " Said a smile t: a tear." 

..i violin behind the scenes to accompany the Song. 

Said a steak to a chop, 

On a hook in my shop ; 
In the dog-days and very hot weather: 

Dear chop it is clear. 

If we long tarry here. 
We shall certainly both melt together. 

Said the chop from the chump. 

To ttie steak from the rump ; 
Unless there's a change in the weather ; 

Lovely steak 1 agree, 

In a mess we shall be. 
And be kitchen stuff made both together. 

Oh, then w^ith a sigh, 
Mid^t sweet sound, " what d'ye buy ?'* 
Said the steak to^thc chop with emotion. 



TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. 1^ 

A long or short six. 
In some saveall to fix. 
Will at last be our doom I've a notion. 

[Theif all applaud. 
Bob. Now that's what I call, cutting' it quite/af. 
Chair. What shall we say friend Scraggey arter that ? 
Scrag. Skexver me ! my sentiments are ratlier lean. 

[Fills his glass, 
" Confusion to the Jlies and Captain Grreen.^* 
All. Ha, ha, ha. 
Scrag. And now my misters, as our time's not long, 

I calls on Dusty Rob to sing a song. 
Sob. Oh, Walker, I can't chaunt my coves you know. 

But Billy'U fiddle while I shake a toe. 
Sail. So do prett Bob, lauk bless him tender heart ! 
Bob. Come, now, my ru7n ones, here's to make a start. 
!)ANCfi. 
After "which he retires to seat and they proceed -with 
.» dia ogue. 

Scrag. I wonder what's become of Tom and Jerry ? 

Kind hearted Trumps they used to make us meiTv! 
Bob. Prime lads, them 'ere both 07«'em bang up swell^ 
They treated me and Sal at Sadler's Wells. 

Enter Landlord ivith newspaper 
Landl. Oh, wo, wo, wo ! lo ! Life from London's fled ! 

Alas, alas ' poor Tom and Jerry'i dead ! 
All. C Start a7id exclaim. J Dead! 
Bob. Oh, come, no gammon, — pot of half and half ! 

It's all my eye, and, only Swipes^s chaff. 
Landl. Read there, read there, and when you've at 
it look'd, 
You'll find, poor fellows, they're for ground bait 
book'd. 
ScR^ft takes the paper, the Characters anxiously 
■surround him, a'd he reads aloud. 
« DIED, 

" At the Adelphi, in a deep decline. 

Last night between the liours of eight and nine ; 

Corinthian Tom, >vhose age was 34, 

And Jerry Hawthorn 22, — no more I 

After a bold and glorious career. 

It pleas'd dark destiny to interfere ; 



16 THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON; OR, 

And cut the thread of these ilkistrious blades, 
Who thus were sent untimely to the shades ; 
Time gave the cue the prompter rang- the bell. 
And all lamented when the curtain fell." 

l^Sall faints and falls into Bob's arms. 

Chair. AVere ever trumps so floor'd before ? 

Scra^. Oh, no ! 

Poor fellows, thev are spoke to. 

^11. ' Oh, oh, oh ! 

JBob. Pluck up a spirit, Sail, and don't cry so. 

Sa/I. Ah, Massa Bob, I can't keep tears from flow. 

Billy. >en no more mag-g-s for Billy, curse him Death, 
To kill poor Massa, take away him breath ! 

iScraj. Sorrow is dry, 

Itandl. My grief is quite profound I 

Billy Suppose we have a drop of daffy round. 

Bob. Agreed, agreed, 'twill keep our spirits up. 

Billy. We'll chaunt dere rekeem in a cheerful cup. 

Bottle brought. 
CHORUS. 

Sorrow is dry ; 

Come wet t'other eye ; 
To grieve o'er the past is a folly : 

Then let us be merry. 

Here's poor Tom and Jerry, 
Those heroes who lived and died jolly. 
Exit'SA.nA.R, leaning her head on Bob's shoulder. 



SCENE VI. — Logic's Chambers in the Jilbany. 

Enter Logic in a thoughtful attitude^ his arms folded^ Uc\ 

Logic. It shall be so. Logic thou reason'st well. 
Else whence the strong desire to quit Pall Mall ; 
I'll change my habits quickly, very quick, 
My pals are fled, and I will cut my stick ! 
The Floorer General I've as yet cajoled. 
And often reason has ci'ied, Logic, hold ! 
I'll give it up, cut rambles, larks and sprees. 
Nor keep such correspondents more as these'. 



TOM AND JEllU'YS FUNERAL. 17 

Takes a note from his pocket and reads. 

" Last nig-ht, dear Bob, the alderman aboard, 

" Sam, Dick, and I, five drunken Charlies floored! 

"But reinforced, determined on a btxtch, 

"Anon they came like good ones to the scratch ; 

"Again we mill'd 'em and then call'd a drag, 

" Drove to a hell to sport at Tat a some rag ,• 

•* Clean'd out three mutls at glorious black and fed, 

" Roll'd to the Fmisii, and ti'cu reel'd to bed. 

" To-morrow into training" mean to go, 

*• So can't at Taiteraal's on Monday siiew : 

" My mare's in physic ; — best regards to Sue. 

" Ever a-wake, dear Rob, you're doun, adieu /" 

This life is death I find, it don't accord, 

My neVves are shatter'd and I'm all abroad ; 

Yes, yes, I'll cut tlis folly, go to drill, 

*» Reform in time, when men think least 1 will." 

SONG. Logic. 

Air.--*'' Corinthian's Diartj.''' 

Oh, London, dear Bob, lienceforlh avoi<]. 

Nor practice on yourself dehision ; 
Better, much better is lime employ d, 

Than in such riot and confusion: 
Give up the farce of hops and hays, 

Stick to your books, retire to college ; 
Leave flooring watchmen, milling glaze. 

And get a stock of useful knowledge. 

Fatal effects result from larks, 

From sprees, and such nocturnal jjarleys ; 
From high-bred swells, from raking' sparks, 

And such mad sport as bo.iing Charleys. 
Leave off in time this crying sin. 

Give every vice and foliy over ; 
Quit London and its noisy din, 

And in retirement live in clover. 

[Exit, 



18 THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON; Oli, 

SCENE. Wh— Inside of a Public House,- or the Watch- 
house. The Charleys rejoicing. The President in an 
elevated Box at the Head of the Table. . l loud and 
boisterous Laugh occasionally. 

Pres. Drink, drink about, my boys, come that's your sort. 
Henceforth, my lads, we sliall have g-lorious sport; 
These curs'd Corinthians are at rest at last. 
Thanks be to Death, our hour of peril's past. 
Irish W. True, Master Lung's, they're under lock aad 
key. 
They're safe at rest, and, thank God, so are we. 
Tres. No more kick-ups at Eovv-street, no complaining. 
Irish W, No, the ould gemman's got 'em both in 

training, 
Pres. Come here's a toast no Charley can refuse : 

Shrouds to Corinthian Captains and their crews. 
Insh W. With all my soul — 1 only say as how, 

I think we're one upon their Tibhy now ! 
Pres. Bravo, Put Leary — Snug enough they lay — 

We mill d 'em once though, coming from the play, 
2nd W. Aye, so we did ; warn't that the time o' day ? 
Irish W. Arrah be aisy ! brothers, that's not right; 
By ould Saint Patrick, 'twas the time o* night / 
Pres No more turn-ups. 

2nd W. No, no more cutting capers. 

Irish. No, no more starring sconces with shai'p scrapers. 
Pres. We now can rest. 

Irish W. Secure from frights and fears. 

Pres. In my box. Bob, 1 haven't slept 
Irish W. Two years — two years. 

Inside they bruised me, so in one big fall, 
Sure I'd my box screivUl fast against the wall. 
Pres. A good thought, Pat, and worthy such a setter ; 

Screw's a good dog, but Holdfast is a better. 
Irish W. For one short nap a night to stand the roast : 

Why don't our betters leep upon their post P 
ML Ha! ha! ha! 

Pres. And if to ken-cracking one oft subscribes, 
We're not the only Watchmen who take bribes. 
But now my masters, as our foes have sherried^ 
And will to-morrow (as I heary be buried — 
Irish W. We'll all attend, 'twill be gontule, well bred, 
Sure they ca-n't mill us now becase they're dead/ 



TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. 19 

Pres. Now, brother Charleys, one more parting cup, 
And then like sober darkey-keepers we'll break up, 

CHORUS — From Macbeth. 
"When bloods and street peace-breakers. 
Mad swells, and drunk moon-rakers. 
Are food for undertakers. 

What should we do ?— -Rejoice ! rejoice ! 

When we, like cunning" foxes. 
Get our duty done by proxies. 
To sleep within our boxes. 

What should we do ? — Rejoice ! rejoice ! 

Let's Jiave a dance while we have breath; 

We gain new life by such foes' death ; 

Henceforth night brawls and rows shall cease, 

Having no foes to break our peace, 

So nimbly, nimbly, nimbly, nimbly, nimbly foot It 

still. 
To the echo— to the echo— to the echo of the 

treading-mill. 

f Dance — Shout — Exeunt, 

SCENE Vin.— .4 Street. 
A feiv Bars of Jierial Music ,• after -which the Stage is 
darkened a Utile.-- A Clap of Thunder is heard.---T/ie 
Ghosts of Tom and Jerry rise on ttvo opposite Traps. 
They start at seeing each other, but not violently ,• as 
the ivhole of the scene must be very still and subdued. 

Jerry. Ah, Cousin Tom, pray tell me how d'ye do ; 
Tom. C Advancing and shaking hands. J Very well, 

thankye, Jerry ; how are you ? 
Jerry. Keen very queer, Tom, since I left the earth, 
And not at all in love with my new birth. 
But are we really dead, Tom', bona fide ? 
Tom. Dead as small beer, my pink, a week next Friday : 
Why if we're not, why o'er that river feiTy us ? 
Besides, they mean, I hear, to-day to bury us. 
Jerry. Oh lord ! Oh lord ! Tom, this is really being 
doion ; 
I wish to heaven I'd never come to town. 



20 DEATH OF LIFK IN LONDON ; OR, 

What will the old o?i<? say when this he hears ? 
And pretty Mary will be drown'd in tears ! 

To7n. 'Tis true we're safe, and can defy the bums. 

Jerry. But stilll'd rather be in the Back Slums. 
Is there no help ? 

Tom. No lad, we're safely moor'd ; 

Jeny. Boih doiible-mill'df and most completely ^oor' J. 

Tom. Courage my pink ; death some time must arrive. 
Remember too. Bob Log-ic's still alive, 
He'll do us justice, make all right, depend on't. 

Jerry, We're tip the spout, Tom, and so there's an 
end on't, 

Tom. Well, all tlungs have an end, we've had our day. 
And must for other heroes clear the way : 
If o'er such patrons they should chance to stumble, 
Let thembe/)/'o?/Y/, they 11 have no cause to grumble. 
But hither some one's coming', silence, mum ! 

Jerry, f looking out. J Tom, it's all up, for here's our 
funeral — 

Tom. Come ! 

C Bell during sympliony of duet. 

DUET.~«' All's Wei." 

Deserted by the fav'ring- town. 
With whom we long- had such renown, 
Where we were oft at midnig'lit fouiid. 
When watchmen walk'd their lonely round, 
When watchmen walk'd 

Their lonely round; 
But hark ! some Charley's voice I hear, 
The \vell known sound salutes my ear. 

Salutes my ear ; 
Who goes there ?- Jerry quickly teil— 

Some foe ? 
Oh, no — above — fTo Gallery. J 

Below fTo Pit. J 
Good nig'ht ! 

yarev/eli ! 
C They stalk off hand in hand. 



TOM AND JERRY'S FUNERAL. 21 

LAST SCENE— ^ Chamber' hung -with Black . 

Decorated -with EscutcheoiiSy &c. &c.—The Windows 

closed. —A Mute on each side ivith Bill Boards, on 

which are inscribed, " Last Night of Tom and 

Jerhy." 

Kate, Sue, Logic, Bult Waters, Dusty Bob, 

&c. &c. ad infinitum. 
Kate, « Can such things be," and niake us look aghast ? 
Logic. " To this complexion must we come at last.'* 
Sue. Come, come, dear Kate, this grief you ought to 

smother. 
Kate. What can I do, my friend ? 
Sue. f Whispering J Why get another ! 

Kate. To lose one's husband is an awkward job , 
Billy. Dis werry cutting — an't it Massa Bob ? 
Logic. They're now secure from this world's 

clam'rous duns. 
Dusty. (^aside.J I wonder where's the daffy and the buns. 
Logic. M ourn not, dear Kate, Cowper says, " friends 

must part." 
Kate. Ah, 'tis too much. Bob, 1 shall break my heart. 
To lead such lives, should henceforth be unlawful ! 
Billy. I'm quite dissected. 

Dusty. Yes! it's toery awful! 

Kate, fio Logic. J Oh, do him justice hatid him 
down to fame. 
And let your talents consecrate his name. 
Logic. I'll write their epitaphs in lofty verse ; 
Sue. C Starts J Hark! no — yes, 'tis — 
Kate. Ye Gods ! the hearse ! 

CFaints, 
Logic. Take up the remnants ! 

Billy. Me feel all quite flurry. 

("Tom and Jerry rise from their biers. 
Jerry.. Gent\y, my pinks .' don't be in such a hurry ! 

Why Tom ! 
Tom. Why Jerry ! what can all this mean .«' 

We're all abroad ! 
Jerry. Yes, this is a new seene ! 

Logic. Ha! ha ! ha ! sure such a hoax as this a saint 

might tickle ! 
Jerry. Why Tom ! 
Totru Why Jerry, here's a pretty pickle ! 



22 THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON ; OR, 

Kate. Why you were 111, and as they told us died ! 

Jerri/. 'Twas all a hoax^ whoever told you— lied ! 
Bead ! That*s a good one ! Tom ! I'll lay a bet. 
We're worth a dozen dead Corintliians, yet : — 
We did 7jo; die, nor never mean to die ? 
At ail events we'll have another shy ! 

Tom. We went upon a toxir you know to Fhaxce, 

And there — to try our friends— A.%sv^t^.w a trance. 
But tell us, Bob— 

Jef-ry. Aye, how did we come over ? 

Logic. By steam, across, and in a hearse from Dover ! 

Jei ry. Zounds ! what a spree ! 

Tom. To lay us out quite stark ! 

. erry. Yes, Tom, i 'faith it was a se ioufi lark. 

Tom. fto Kate. J How do we look, like dead ones ? tell 
us Kate ? 

Kate. You look'd much better when you laid in state. 

Tom. fufiide to JekhyJ Very much state. , 

Jerry, r aside to Tom.J) They thought we were do7io 
bvQivn. 
And only wanted, Tom, to put us— DOWN. 
But, if this Hoax omv patrons will forgive. 
For their amusement, we will longer live. 

EPILOGUE. 

BT THE CU4.RACTEBS. 



Tox. 
Now, tell me, Kate, our sprees and rambles o'er. 
Repentant and resolved to sin no more, 
Can yon forgive these follies so deform'd ! 

Kate. 
They say no husband's hke a rake reform'd. 

Sue. 
But will you, Tom, when Kate becomes your wife. 
Quit Life in London for the married life ? 

Tom. 
O, yes, dear Kate, here all my folly ends. 
Henceforth I'll live for you and these kind friends. 



TOM AND JERRY'^ FUKERAL. 23 

Jehrt. 
I say, my pinks, methinks you're very merry, 
But what the devil's to become of Jerry ? 
Poor Mary's gone, that should have been my Wife, 
And I'm quite sick of this wild single life. 

Mary Rosebud, -without. 
Oh where, oh where have they conveyed my Jerry ? 
Monsters-stand off, my love they they shall not bury. 
CEnter Mart, but net dressed as before. 

Logic. 
She comes, she comes, in all her native charms. 

Jerry. 
She breathes— she lives. 

Logic. 

Here take her to your arms. 

Mart, 
They told me, Jerry, you had lost your life, 
That 1 should never, never be your wife. 

Jerrt. 
Oh no, dear Mary, Tom, 'twas done to trick her, 
l^o, Mary, no ! 1 only lost— ray ticker ,- 
But you're much alter'd, Mar,-, I must own. 
Since I left Hawthorn Hall, how fat you've grown ! 
1 left a rosebud, but you now disclose. 
The glowing- beauties of a full-blown rose. 

DUSTT. 

Now that's the time o'day, what say, old boy ? 

Billy. 
Billy so happy, me could dance for joy. 

Dusty. 
And when you're married. Sir — then you know. 
My Sail and I will come and shake a toe : 
Sail's a good kratur, full of gig and ijiirth. 
Rather too fond of that 'are fuller's earth. 
She's dark 'tis true, but colours is no curse. 

Sail. 
What tho' me black, vhy lauk me none de vorse ?' 

*" Dusty. 

No more you are. Sail, never care a rush. 
You're all correct-, and no one sees you blush. 



24 THE DEATH OF LIFE IN LONDON, &:c. 

Billy. 
Me dance, me sinj^, tell story, undo riddle. 
And at de wedding Billy play de fiddle. 

Tom. 
As to friend Dusty, we must mend his trim, 
Wliat say you, Jerry, shall we pension him ? 

Jerry. 
With all my heart, my sno-w-ball Sally too. 
Must be provided for, and rigg'd anew. 

DtJSTY. 

Your kindness is well-timed. Sir, since 'tis said, 
My Sarah soon expects to 50 to bed ,- 
You'll find us grateful at some future day. 

Billy. 
Billy so happy as de flowers in May. 

Logic. 
And now fiiend Tom, 'tis time to make a start, 
For Brazen -JSTose to-morrow \ depart, 
M}' former follies instantly retract. 
And study Blackstone and the Alarriage Act. 

Tox. 
Come, Kate, what say you ? we too long have 
tarried. 

Kate. 
Aye, men say always so—before they're married. 

Jerrt. 
But, harkee Tom, don't leave us in the lurch, 
Suppose we all are join'd at Hawthorn Church f 

Tom. 
With all my heart, and yet it makes me grieve, 
Such kind indulgent friends as these to leave^ 
But whate'er changes time or tide may make. 
They'll always find ou*- gratitude awake. 

Jerry. 
Then for your favor, let us nightly strive,- 
And let your sanction keep us 
ALL ALIVE '.w! 

Dance by the Characters and Curtain drops. 

Finis. 



LIBRARY OF CONGRESS 




